Don't Think

With the upcoming patrol, the return of the guys off the last float, and training, I haven't had much time for much of anything. But now that things have settled down and I have a long weekend, I've ad to time to just sit and think again. It's not pretty.

The picture off to the right of this post is a accurate feeling. I spend way too much time in my own head. I worry about too much, I care about too much, and I try to plan things out way too much. My roommate has told me that I'm too smart for my own good. I'm not sure what exactly he means, but I'm starting to believe him. Every time I go for a stroll down the avenues of my mind, I realize how much it's like a deep, dark forest. Not just a patch of trees, but thick woods. Old woods. The type of woods that the Brothers Grimm would write about. Deep and dark with an unknown evil lurking just out of range of the five senses, yet you can feel its presence.

I was shuffling some of my old files around today and found a thought-starter that I must have StumbledUpon some time ago. It's another very accurate observation.

Just Don't

I start thinking and I look back on how things were, and how they changed, and where they went wrong. That's where this little tidbit comes into play. I realize every time that everything is fucked up. I don't know how I got here, I don't know where I am going, and I don't know what to do about it.

I like to think that I know what led me to where I am, but I really don't. I just point blame at different things in my history. I can think of multiple decisions in my past that I wouldn't mind going back and changing, but none of these points in time are enough cause to blame the things I don't like about my life on.

I know where I would like my life to go, but I'm not sure I have it headed in that direction. I know what I want out of my life but I'm not sure I know how to make it happen.

And that leads to the last point. I don't know what to do about any of it. I wish I did. All I can do is wait.